Today I want to talk about vampires, but not the ones you like. Have you ever answered coldly to someone “google it” in a piercing tone? Or sent a nasty gif as an answer? There are some types of vampires who, after meeting you, they want to use you just because you might know something they don’t, have access to something they don’t, have cool connections they don’t, or simply have a cool friend who happens to be in the spotlight. They don’t care about you at all, they simply want to use you, and they don’t even bother to sound funny or interesting to get what they want. That’s when I like to use my piercing silver tongue, use nasty gifs or ignore the person altogether. [Remember: whatever you do, these vampires will be your trolls. So, why to bother being nice?]
So, last week I had two of these vampires knocking on my digital door.
Sometimes I think they don’t know what they’re doing when they even bother to try to get something from me, specially if they’ve been silent for six years and had the nerve to send me a mail with a “hey! Didn’t you know guys in the NHK?” [That’s the Japanese TV.] It’s obvious that the guy does not yet realize what he’s written and how rude he is. You’ve been silent for a century, and now you just type a single, tiny and depressing “hey”? It’s obvious that hello is not fashionable for these cases. Why bother to show up some sentiment when I don’t care squat about you and just want to know all about those friends you have somewhere working for that fancy place? Let’s go to the point, shall we? After you give me that info, I don’t care at all if you’d choke.
Then, there’s this other guy who stays silent for a year, and then suddenly remembers me because I’ve been living in Japan. “Could you tell me about cool theme restaurants in Tokyo? ‘Coz I’m going next week!” This one didn’t even add a “hey” at the beginning of the mail. What about if you google that info? Do I have a screen instead of a face? Are my hands a keyboard? Don’t you know how to type that on Google? Are you that lazy that you need a secretary?
What do you expect me to answer? To email you the info because I’m an information hub?
Nope, I won’t put you in contact with the NHK guys. Nope, I won’t introduce you that famous blogger friend of mine, nope I won’t introduce you that other famous dude I might or not know, nope I won’t let you use me as Google or a frigging Encyclopedia! Nope, I do not guide for free wherever I might be. Nope, I won’t send you any presents because I don’t know you, you’re not my friend, and how dare you!? Nope, I won’t put you in contact with that super hot chick I know. Nope, my home isn’t a free hotel, and nope there is no room service. Whatever you ask: NOPE!
I must, however, thank you for this gorgeous opportunity to send you a very rude answer if I feel like it. You know, I get nervous, and I might have a stressful week, so your attempt to use me comes in handy for relaxing myself. Should I miss this opportunity to, you know, trolling the troll? Nah! Give me some time to polish my Hook, and sharpen my nails, love, because it’s good to pierce someone from time to time. Didn’t you know that I’m on the Dark Side, and I’m a Sith? That I’ve been sorted by the hat to Slytherin? That I might be a crew member of the Jolly Roger? That my purpose is to help Loki rule the world? Dude! I bake cookies! COOKIES! Read the word again: COOKIES! Who do you think bakes cookies!? A VILLAIN!
So, what answer do you expect from me but a poisoned cookie!?
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